Grieving Your Losses in Ministry

"I can't wait to be wounded in ministry!"

I've never met an aspiring ministry leader who uttered these words, or anything like them. Most young leaders I meet have their hopes on the "victories" of ministry: planting a flourishing church that will outlive them; leading a struggling teenager to Christ and witnessing their baptism; seeing God do something incredible in a person's life we never thought possible.

For the record, those are good things. If someone were to tell me, "I can't wait for ministry to go terribly, terribly wrong," that might be a reason for them to consider a path other than vocational ministry.

But no one starts out in ministry leadership thinking about the ways they are going to be wounded. In fact, if you're new to ministry leadership, that last sentence may not have made much sense to you. "Are going to be wounded? Isn't there a way to avoid being wounded at all?"

Nope. If you have embraced ministry leadership as a way of life—whether it's as a job or through a significant amount of volunteer hours—you will be wounded by it.

It may be that when you read the word wounded, it brought to mind some really difficult ministry situations like a church split, a pastor with a significant moral failing, or being intentionally hurt by someone. However, a situation does not need to be dramatic for the wound it leaves to be substantial. When someone decides to step out of ministry leadership because of some sort of wounding, it is often not one incident, but rather the weight of several. Terry Wardle says that "ministry is a series of ungrieved losses." I have heard this phrase several times in my years of ministry, but it is only as I prepare the enter my third decade of vocational ministry that I have begun to realize how true it is.

“Ministry is a series of ungrieved losses.” - Terry Wardle

There are a variety of ways to be wounded in ministry.

Wounds caused by tragedy. When you spend a good part of your time intentionally serving others, you will love them. And when tragedy strikes those you love, you will be wounded. Even as I write this, my mind—and my heart—are brought back to scenes of pain and grief that I experienced not because they happened directly to me, but because I was there and they happened to those I loved. A Christmas Eve playing video games with a child who just lost his father. A police station with a mother who just lost her children in the most unimaginable of ways. A living room with a widow whose husband just took his own life in the next room.

Wounds caused by those you shepherd. There is nothing more disorienting to find that those you have cared for and loved—often while giving of yourself and sometimes even your family—have turned against you. I'm not talking about disagreements; healthy church families can often disagree about theology or the best way forward. I'm talking about being hurt by those you considered an ally in ministry. Perhaps you went one step too far on a political issue and they decided to leave. Or maybe someone you've poured into has just disappeared, as though what you had to give never mattered at all.

Wounds caused by an unhealthy environment. No church is perfect and all have degrees of unhealth, but some have a culture that encourages unhealthy patterns or behavior. It may be an over-dependance on human effort that tacitly proclaims more hours and more effort will make ministry "happen." Or it may be relational issues that never get resolved or even addressed. These wounds can be difficult to notice or diagnose, which can give them greater power over a long period of time.

Wounds caused by...me. My own behavior can be the cause of my greatest wounds. Maybe I am the one that has created or furthered an environment of workaholism that has slowly deteriorated my family. Perhaps it is a sin that I am ashamed about but reluctant to confess out of fear of what others will think of me. Or maybe I have simply failed to stop and grieve, closing off the most tender parts of myself to those closest to me and most importantly, to Jesus.

Such a heavy topic seems to demand some sort of resolution. This for sure is a theme I will come back to, but for today, perhaps your most important next step is to re-read this post and simply grieve the losses you have been ignoring.