Some Goals I Have (As a Pastor and a Dad)

I am often aware that our kids’ childhood is unique due to the fact that their dad is a pastor. My hope and prayer is that while that may be the case, their childhood would be unique in a good way. I am aware in Christian culture that many kids of pastors don’t consider their parent’s vocation to be something that created great childhood memories, and I hope my own kids don’t fall into that category as adults. But I do understand why it happens, because it can be a challenge to be a dad and a pastor. Here are a few challenges I think most pastoral parents wrestle with:

I want my kids to love the Church.

I’ve heard it said that of all the wounds a pastor collects over the course of a career, the most painful ones are inflicted by those within their church. To some extent, this is no surprise; the more you love someone—or your flock—the more vulnerable you are to being hurt by them.

Unfortunately, this can spill over to a pastor’s kids and wound them as well. I’m grateful that in my current church, my kids are loved and well-cared for, and I pray this is always the case.

But more than being loved by the Church, I want my kids to learn to love the Church, even when it’s hard. Being a shepherd is labor of love, and I pray that my kids join in that labor. I don’t mean that they would one day need to be in vocational ministry, but that in whatever local church they find themselves a part of, they would always lean in and love fiercely, even when it’s hard.

I want to minister as a family.

This one’s related to the first. As my kids grow up, I want to find creative ways to let them join in with me as we serve our local church together. When kids are younger, this can be challenging to figure out how to do. But now that they are a bit older, it’s been fun to take them along with me when I buy school supplies for a service project for a Title I school we partner with, or bring them to church early with me to help set up. (Full disclosure: the main reason they are willing to come with me early on Sundays might have something to do with the hot chocolate we pick up at Starbucks on the way.)

I don’t want ministering to our church and our community to be just something I do in my job. I want it to be a passion we share as a family. Of course, the challenge here is there’s a line somewhere between ministering as a family and being forced to tag along with Dad all the time, and I’m honestly not sure where it is.

I don’t want my kids to feel pressure to be someone they’re not.

I used to think that the idea a pastor’s kid would be expected to behave better and know the Bible better than other kids was just overplayed hyperbole.

And then a children’s leader singled my daughter out one day when she asked her class a question, saying to her, “You should know this, you're dad’s a pastor.”

I don’t think there’s any way that my kids will ever not be known at our church, at least in part, as one of the pastor’s kids. However, I never want them to feel like they aren't able to be themselves in our church. One of my fears is that my kids will learn to display at church a false image of themselves that is polished, super-spiritual, and completely hollow on the inside.

Instead, I want my kids to be able to be a kid. When they struggle with faith, I want them to be able to express it. When they’re annoyed with their parents, I want them to be able to share that with friends and trusted adults. And when they screw up, I want them to worry more about their own character than they do about their dad’s reputation as a pastor.

I want to be a dad to my kids more than a pastor.

Now, don’t misunderstand: Every parent should be a pastor to their kids and shepherd them toward a flourishing relationship with Jesus. But I’ve found that I can sometimes be more of a busy pastor at home than a loving dad.

Part of the issue is something most parents in our culture wrestle with: we have a device in our pocket (and in my case, on my wrist as well) that just about anybody can contact me on at any time. But when I let that device distract me at home, it’s not just work that’s distracting me, it’s their church.

So, I do my best to take off my “pastor” hat and put on my “dad” hat when I pull in the garage. One of the best sounds I hear all day is “Daddy’s home” when I come through the door. So when at home, I want to be the best daddy I can be.

What are some other challenges of being a parent and a pastor or other ministry leader?