I can't separate ministry and my family. Everything in my life is connected. It's not just that my job can't be cut into clean eight-hour intervals or that there are times when a crisis comes and I just have to leave my family and go be a pastor. Pretty much everything that happens at church and in ministry affects my family, and everything that happens in my family affects ministry stuff.
But there are things I can do to make sure that when I'm with my family, I'm Daddy and Husband, not Pastor. I've learned that most things don't need to be brought home. Before I had kids, there were times when I might work a few extra hours to get caught up on the office-work side of ministry. Now, I make sure to leave that in my office at church. My wonderful family is happy to make sacrifices in services to our church when something big comes up, so I need to do my best to honor and love them by not bringing everything home at the end of the day.
I can't be a perfect husband, father, or pastor. There are times when ministry gets the short end of the stick, and there are times when my family gets the short end of the stick, but usually, it's both. It's tough to feel like I have it altogether when I feel like I just don't have enough time to be a great pastor and the ideal family man, but that's a good thing, because I don't have it altogether. And the more I realize that, the more I fall on Jesus. God doesn't ask me to do it all, but he does expect me to rely on him. I could pretty well "fake it" when I didn't have a family, but now I know no other way to get by but by the sustaining grace of our Savior.
I had two jobs while going to seminary full-time. Should this be at least as easy? Some days I look back on seminary and wonder how--with a full class load, a part time youth director position at a church, and a smattering of other part-time jobs--I had any free time in seminary. But I did. I ran regularly, I watched college football with friends on Saturday, and I always got my homework done. I don't know if there are now fewer hours in the day than there were back then, but it just doesn't seem as easy. Now that I think of it, maybe that less-than-stellar attendance in class had something to do with it...
Relying on our volunteers helps me be a better husband and father. There's not much about youth ministry I don't love. But I can't do it all. There will always be one more thing to do, one more idea to pursue, one more student to text. Trusting a great team of leaders to help with things I could do--things I like to do--but still things I don't have to do lets me let go of some of the details of ministry and gives me margin in ministry to love my family. It's also a much healthier way to lead a ministry!
If I'm at home stressing about ministry, I'm not really at home. One of the things I've learned from my good friend Jim, a teacher, is that he does not bring papers home to grade like most teachers do. It does mean that he sometimes stays later at school or goes in early, but when he's home, he's home. I may not have papers to grade, but if I'm at home and my minds at church, I'm not really home with my family. I try very hard to not stress at home about church. Not only does it help me love my family, it makes me a lot more happier!
My girls make a sacrifice for me to be a pastor, so I try to sacrifice for them. They may not know it, but they give up some things for their daddy to be a pastor. However, the nature of my job--and the blessing of working for an organization that expects us to be godly, loving parents--lets me intentionally love my daughters. If I'm going to a student's game after school, I might go home and pick up one of my daughters to join me. Or I'll pass up on things that are fun and could be considered ministry to just have a quiet night with my family.
Being a father gives me plenty of lessons on being selfless. A wise mentor once told me, "Benjer, when you become a husband, you'll say, 'Gee, I'm selfish.' When you become a father, you'll say, 'I'm really selfish!'" Nothing has helped me be a disciple of Jesus like being a father.
I don't sleep as much as I used to, but it's worth it. My days are full, and sometimes those cute little voices that come from our girls' bedroom start just a little too early in the morning. But I wouldn't trade being a daddy for anything. Just about every day, I'm reminded how blessed I am to have a job I love and a family I don't deserve. God is too good to me.
