When my husband asked me to write an entry for his blog on being a the wife of a Youth Pastor, I knew exactly what I would focus on: Authenticity.
I would say the biggest challenge to being a pastor's wife, of any type of pastor, is the inability to feel like you can be authentically you. The pressure to be something that the congregation, parents and/or youth, want me to be is sometimes so restrictive that I feel anxious at times. It is also very draining and leaves me feeling somewhat isolated and alone. Sometimes I am concerned that I have misrepresented the church or my husband because of something I shared. There rarely seems to be a place to discuss our "real" lives in our church community. When I am in my small group on Sunday mornings and we are writing prayer requests and praises up on the board, I have to mentally go through the list of prayer requests we really have and see which ones, if any, I can share. It goes something like this,
"Okay, I can't tell them about the conflict with this parishioner...nope, definitely not able to share about the concern with this student...can't tell them about our financial struggles, even if they are due to medical bills and such...definitely can't say anything about how tired and weary Benjer has been lately...oh, yeah, I can tell them to pray for my brother's surgery this month."
I use the word "authentic" because the issue is not about being able to tell whole church everything about my life and what is going on with me, but it should not feel like a secret if I feel sad, either. There have been many Sunday mornings I have put on a fake smile, sang with a fake heart, and tried to look like I was paying attention until it was time to leave because I felt like I couldn't let anyone know that I was having a hard day. That is not authentic; that is fake, and it is unhealthy for me and the church.
Recently I read on a missionary's blog about how churches don't want honesty from the missionaries they support. I commented on her post, sharing some of my struggles with the similar issue of authenticity. Here is some of her response to me:
"The truth is, even strong Christians can have financial struggles, marriage struggles, and personal struggles. Christians still get sick and die. Being Christian does not change our humanness. This is where we must live an authentic life in front of others. Not share every intimate detail of our issues, but to just be ourselves. To show the world that we're just everyday people, looking to a very big God."
Her words have empowered me to worry less about what someone might think of our family, my husband or the church because of our/my struggles. The biggest concern to not being authentic is that we will give the message that to be a "good" or "strong" Christian, or in leadership, you need to have it all together, all by yourself, all the time (for more on this, check out this article here). Trying to keep up this appearance only leads to fallen pastors and broken lives. Also, it keeps the focus on what we can do, and takes the glory away from God who is the reason we are where we are anyway! It is so important that we remember, and tell our parishioners, that we are broken people too, who need God's grace every bit as much as anyone else. When I read articles about pastor's wives who have decided to leave their families and start a new life, almost always they say they felt isolated and that they couldn't live up to the expectations anymore. So, the second problem with not being authentic or showing our weaknesses is it can perpetuate the expectation already in place for pastors, their wives and their children.
One practical thing I have done to help alleviate these struggles is start a pastor's wives small group at our church. I am not leading it, and this is key. Our church is blessed to have enough pastor's wives to form a small group. However, if it weren't, I hope I would have tried to start one in the community with other church's pastor's wives, no matter the denomination. It has been a blessing to all of us. We have a place to talk about how many nights our husbands have been gone this week, or talk about how we really might not like this new thing that is going on at our church, etc. We can be authentic and not be judged, but we are still edified! It is not a place just to rant or vent; we leave the group after building one another up and usually a decent time in prayer. I highly recommend starting a group like this to any pastor's wife.
