Leadership Grief
Leadership grief is when you are pained by a difficult issue you need to act on. Perhaps it's letting go of a volunteer who has made some poor decisions that--at least for the time being--disqualify him or her from serving in your youth ministry. Or maybe you need to sit down with some parents and tell them something about their teenager that will be very hard for them to hear. Chances are, you've already encountered leadership grief in your ministry. If you haven't, be ready.
Because pastors care about what they do so much (especially youth pastors--or maybe I'm just biased), the emotional toll of taking action on something that others will not like is hard. I remember one instance when I reported a father to social services for physical abuse. I knew him, had met with him, and believed that he in many ways was a loving father. But one week, his daughter shared about a fight they had in which he clearly stepped over the line and physically abused his daughter. I knew that things would get messy, that the father would be angry, but I knew what the right thing was for me to do as a pastor, and so I made the call. That situation caused me a lot of grief.
Leadership Regret
Leadership regret is different from leadership grief. Leadership regret happens when we do something in leadership that we wish we could go back and change. Perhaps there was a decision that wasn't the right thing to do. Or maybe we were not as understanding toward a difficult student as we should have been. We all make mistakes and so we all experience leadership regret on some level. Most of my regret involves me being judgmental towards someone or having a sharp tongue and saying something I wish I could take back. For me, what eats me up most as a leader is looking back and regretting some of my most visible missteps in ministry. I'm so thankful we serve a merciful God.
Leaders need to understand the difference between grief and regret. Both are inevitable. Too often, caring leaders beat themselves up over something that has caused them leadership grief. They made a decision that caused someone--perhaps even a fellow ministry leader--to get angry, or even leave their church. We need to understand that for every good decision, there will be a cost. There will be some grief that we can't control. So, we need to mourn, admit that we can't control everything, and move on. But we can't treat that grief like we would regret, because sometimes, doing the right thing means that a little bit (or a lot) of pain will come our way. I've seen leadership grief eat up and nearly destroy people, because we all want to be liked, and if we do the right thing, shouldn't things go well for us? Certainly, when we do something wrong, we need to step up, ask for forgiveness, and make amends. But if making the right decision is eating you up and making you lose sleep, remember: grief is a part of the cost of faithful leadership, and we should expect it, mourn where necessary, and move on with what God has given us to do.
