I had an unsettling meeting with a parent this week. As I look back, I should have seen it coming. This father approached me a couple of Sundays ago in the fellowship hall. Typically, I avoid all areas of the church on Sundays where I would risk a possible encounter with a parent of a student, such as a worship service or the coffee hour between services. However, I had not eaten breakfast, and in a moment of weakness I snuck to the back of the hall for a donut. The father asked if he could take me to lunch some time to talk about his daughter. Since I had spent all my money at Aéropostale to show students I could be just like them, I took the bait and agreed. So this Tuesday past, we met for lunch at Chili's.
The lunch went well for the first few minutes. He, of course, told me how much his daughter had enjoyed the fall retreat, and how glad he was that I was hired as the youth pastor. But the conversation took an interesting twist: he said he was concerned that he hadn't been as involved as he should be in his daughter's spiritual life and asked how I thought he might disciple his daughter and help her in her relationship with Jesus.
Perhaps I'm confused; I thought I was the youth pastor! Doesn't he know that leading students spiritually is my job? What kind of youth pastor would I be if I didn't single-handedly shepherd each and ever student in my youth group? Please help; I'm worried that I could be out of a job if parents start taking an interest in the spiritual lives of their teenagers.
Sincerely,
Threatened in Thief River Falls
Threatened:
I can understand your concern. It's one thing for parents to be involved in a minimal way--such as drivers where necessary or to cook food at youth events. It's an entirely different ordeal when parents become involved in the spiritual life of their teenager. After all, isn't it called Youth Ministry for a reason?
Unfortunately, a parent generally has the most influence in a teenager's life, so once a parent takes an interest in the teen's spiritual life, it will be difficult for a youth pastor to retain his or her rightful place as the primary spiritual guide of the teenager. Here are a few tips:
- Create as much separation in your church between the teenagers and the adults. If you are able to create the impression that those who are older are irrelevant and out of touch with reality, it will go a long way in making students see their parents as out of touch, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.
- Avoid events where parents are encouraged to interact with the students. It's easy to slip up on this one. You plan a great picnic in the park with tons of messy and outrageous games, and before you know it, parents actually stay when they bring their kids. Do your best to make parents feel unwelcome during youth meetings and events.
- When meeting with a student who is complaining about something his or her parents are doing, communicate that you would do a much different (and better!) job if you were that student's parent. Subtlety is best here. Casually make disparaging comments about particular parental decisions, and always let students know that you are on their side.
I hope for your sake that this is simply an unfortunate phase in the life of this father. With any luck and a complete lack of encouragement on your part, perhaps he will soon see that discipling his own daughter is a daunting task best left up to you, the professional.
Sincerely,
Youth Pastor
Dear Youth Pastor is a public service to the good people who read this blog, and letters are published every Thursday. To ask Youth Pastor a question, just email him at DearYouthPastor@hotmail.com.
