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| Credit: Creative Commons (Brian Snelson) |
We only moved one state and a 7.5 hour drive away. Though we were still within a day's drive of our family, the days of free babysitting, impromptu dinners with family, or just being able to have one of our parents take their granddaughter out for some ice cream any old afternoon were over. In many ways, we were transitioning to a new way of life.
When I sit for a while and think about it, a big part of me is sad that our girls don't see their extended family very often, and that my mom and siblings are now spread out over four states and thousands of miles. But I also know that we as a family, and especially our girls, are blessed to have our "Utah family" in our adopted state. In a day where 45% of all grandparents live at least 200 miles away from their grand kids, I'd be willing to bet many other families are in the same boat. Here are some things that have helped our family since we found ourselves 500 miles away from the closest extended family:
Find the closest thing to family you can. We are blessed to be friends with a great family that we call our "Utah family." Not only are they good friends, but they (including their teenage kids) love our girls. We refer to the parents as "Aunt" and "Uncle" and their teenage kids have helped us out in a pinch more than a few times when we needed to quickly drop our kids off at their house so Jennifer could run some errands during nap time. We didn't plan it this way, but having an "adopted" extended family has provided a ton of stability for our girls.
Provide loving adults your kids can trust. When you live apart from extended family, it can be easy to just create your own little family bubble and not spend much time outside that bubble. Your kids need adults besides you who can mentor them and love them. Those kinds of relationships usually don't just happen, so you might have to go out of your way to ask an adult or two to fill a mentor role in the life of your child. Even though Sami and Bethany are only age two and four, I've made a point to remind the teenage girl in our "Utah family" that my girls look up to her, and that she in some way will influence their life choices.
Ask for help. When you're raising your kids near their grandparents, Grandma and Grandpa are usually happy to take them off of your hands for a few hours once or twice a week. I don't think we understood how wonderful that was until we moved away. Chances are, you've got at least a couple of friends who would be willing to help out with your kids if you asked. Yes, it's tough to admit that you can't do it on your own, but when you've got four kids who are supposed to be at three activities at the exact same time, or when mom just needs an hour to herself one afternoon a week, don't be afraid to ask for help from a friend.
Utilize technology. While it's not the same as an ice cream date after school, it can be fun for your kids to be able to talk with their grandparents and other extended family over a video chat service, such as Skype. In addition, make a regular habit of having your kids call their grandparents, just to say "Hi."
Work on your marriage. One of the toughest parts of being away from our extended family is that Jennifer and I have to actually pay for babysitting. But making sure we spend plenty of time together and have date nights has been crucial to our marriage. Without extended family around to help with your kids, it can be easy to spend so much time being parents that you forget to be husband and wife. Find a way to spend quality time together.
Visit as often as you can. I'd be willing to guess that this one's a sore subject for many of you who have spent a large chunk of their vacation time over the years visiting family. Let me be honest with you, and perhaps any of my siblings that actually read this blog: for us, visiting family is stressful and wears us out. At the end of each "vacation" to visit family, I arrive home more tired than before our trip. When much of your family lives in one place and you go to see them, your schedule might be jam packed every time you arrive in town for a visit. Jennifer and I have found a few ways to keep the chaos of our visits to a minimum yet still get in a lot of time with loved ones. While I don't recommend spending every scrap of vacation time you have visiting family, if you don't make the effort to give your kids time with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, you may regret your choices when that opportunity is no longer there. And this might be a bit off topic, but here's a little advice: if you've got some issues with your family of origin that make you not want to visit them, staying away will not help those issues, and will likely only make them worse.
Are you raising kids some distance away from your extended family? What has helped your family?
