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| Credit: Creative Commons (danny O.) |
When the high school guy said that during youth group, the entire group of 20 high schoolers and leaders heard it and fell silent. There was about a split second of silence, and I said to the student, "Outside, right now!" I led him out of the basement and up the stairs where we could have a "conversation" out of earshot of the other high schoolers and leaders.
I was reminded of that incident, which occurred years ago, when I read an article about a high school in Washington state that has tried a very non-traditional tact of dealing with "problem students." We all have been in some sort of situation like the one I described above. You're enjoying a great youth group night or a retreat, and suddenly (and at times publicly), you're faced with a discipline issue that requires you refocus your time and energy on one or two students. If you're like me, when it happens you become at minimum extremely annoyed, but usually angry. But as youth workers, what is the best way to deal with the situation? I think we can take some pointers from Lincoln High School in Walla Walla, WA:
THE FIRST TIME THAT principal Jim Sporleder tried the New Approach to Student Discipline at Lincoln High School in Walla Walla, WA, he was blown away. Because it worked. In fact, it worked so well that he never went back to the Old Approach to Student Discipline. This is how it went down:
A student blows up at a teacher, drops the F-bomb. The usual approach at Lincoln – and, safe to say, at most high schools in this country – is automatic suspension. Instead, Sporleder sits the kid down and says quietly:
“Wow. Are you OK? This doesn’t sound like you. What’s going on?” He gets even more specific: “You really looked stressed. On a scale of 1-10, where are you with your anger?”
The kid was ready. Ready, man! For an anger blast to his face….”How could you do that?” “What’s wrong with you?”…and for the big boot out of school. But he was NOT ready for kindness. The armor-plated
defenses melt like ice under a blowtorch and the words pour out: “My dad’s an alcoholic. He’s promised me things my whole life and never keeps those promises.” The waterfall of words that go deep into his home life, which is no piece of breeze, end with this sentence: “I shouldn’t have blown up at the teacher.”
Whoa.
And then he goes back to the teacher and apologizes. Without prompting from Sporleder.
“The kid still got a consequence,” explains Sporleder – but he wasn’t sent home, a place where there wasn’t anyone who cares much about what he does or doesn’t do. He went to ISS — in-school suspension, a quiet, comforting room where he can talk about anything with the attending teacher, catch up on his homework, or just sit and think about how maybe he could do things differently next time.
First, we can learn from Lincoln High School, because what they exhibit in their discipline process--though they don't use the term--is grace. A student who blows up and verbally berates a teacher deserves a harsh punishment. The student, as noted in the article, was punished, but not in the usual way. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he was corrected, not punished. That's just what God's grace does for us. We deserve a harsh punishment (death), but instead, we are corrected. It's not fun by any means, but God's correction is meant to lead us in a better direction, not to discourage us.
Second, we can learn from the non-traditional discipline by how the high school takes into account the fact that there is much more going on for the students than meets the eye. I know that it's frustrating to deal with a student making bone-headed decisions at two o'clock in the morning on a fall retreat, but perhaps we should take the opportunity to talk with the student before we pick up the phone to ask a parent to drive to the camp and take their daughter home.
So, how did the difficult issue with the female-berating student at youth group turn out?
I don't know why I did, but I think it was the Holy Spirit that led me upstairs, giving me time to settle my anger and follow God's lead. We began our conversation with even more silence. I then started in with a standard "That's not how to treat women" speech. Then, the Spirit prompted me to stop and try a different tact.
"I love you man, I've always been glad you're part of our group. I just don't know why you do stuff like this."
The student started crying, and he opened up in a way he had never done before in the two years he had been coming to youth group. He apologized, the girls graciously forgave him, and life went on. I don't know for sure what impact that night had on that young man, or if he's even following Jesus at this point. But I am glad that God stopped me from acting on my first impulse--to react in anger--and prompted me to respond with more grace than I really wanted to.
QUESTION: What's one story you have about dealing with a difficult discipline situation in youth ministry? Would you react differently if you had the chance to do it over again?
