 |
| Credit: Creative Commons (Scott Meis Photography) |
"You're my youth pastor, and I really trust you. Can I talk to you about something? You have to promise me that you won't tell anyone."
Most youth workers have had a student approach them in this way at some point in time in their career. A student is facing a difficult situation that they feel their mom, dad, or school can't know about. The only person she can trust is you, so they ask if she can confide in you and trust you to keep the issue a secret. What do you do? Do you promise to keep the issue a secret, or do you risk pushing the student away when she really needs to confide in someone? If you do promise strict confidentiality, what happens when the issue is something that you can't handle on your own, or is something that should be reported to the student's parents or to the proper authorities?
These kinds of situations can be sticky, for sure. Here are a few guidelines that help me (and our leaders) navigate the murky waters of counseling a student who wants absolute assurance I won't tell anyone what's going on in his or her life:
Know Your Role and the Law
In most states, a pastor is explicitly required to contact the proper authorities if he or she suspects a minor is being abused in any way. The wording and extent of the laws vary from state to state, but in general, pastors are "mandatory reporters" when it comes to abuse. If you know a student is being abused or is in real danger and you don't say anything, you could be held legally liable.
Clearly Define "Confidentiality"
I make very clear up front when a student wishes to talk to me about something they really don't want anyone to know about that I will hold our conversation in confidence unless it is in their best interest that I tell someone else, including their parents.* I also am careful to say that if they or anyone else is in any kind of danger or is being hurt, that I will tell someone about it to get them help. Most conversations don't involve anything that extreme, but it's good for students to know what "confidentiality" means when they want to talk about something going on in their lives.
Require Your Leaders to Follow the Same Standard
I also make sure leaders know that to be a part of our ministry, they need to agree to tell me, another pastor at our church, or--in pressing situations where there is not time to contact a pastor--the proper authorities if a student is being abused or is in danger of any kind. This makes the expectation clear for our leaders. It also saves them from uncomfortable situations where a student may not want them to tell anyone about an issue, because students are well aware of that policy in our ministry.
QUESTION: How do you handle situations when a student comes to you and asks you to keep something a secret?
