Expect that the wife will serve full-time in ministry at the church--for free. Perhaps some women have enough time on their hands to put in 40 free hours a week at church and enjoy it. I'd be willing to guess that this isn't how most ministry wives want to spend their time, even if they have it. Not only does it burden a ministry family with an unwritten (and sometimes not verbalized, but very present) expectation, but the assumption behind the expectation is that a person's (or at least a ministry spouse's) value exists only in what they can do for the church. Placing this expectation on a pastor's spouse will not only make her resent the church, but it may place unnecessary strains on their whole family if they are raising children.
Expect that the wife will serve in whatever ministry her husband leads. I think this one is all too common in youth ministry. Certainly, there's nothing wrong if a spouse also happens to love working with teenagers. However, I don't think enough youth ministry spouses are encouraged to do something else in the church besides youth ministry. My wife is amazing with teenagers, but her most fulfilling years in ministry have been the past year and a half when she's served outside the high school ministry, which I lead.
Put her on a pedestal. Too many times, we place ministry families on a pedestal. This is especially stressful for the spouse, because once she's up there, the only way to go is down. Instead, help her feel at home in the church by treating her like a normal person. Allow her to be authentic (see a great post by my wife on that topic). Give her space to have struggles in life. And don't judge her when her one-year-old bites another kid in the nursery or her preschooler has to be taken outside a Sunday school classroom for refusing to listen. Not that any of those things would ever happen in our family.
In Conversations with her, only talk to her about church stuff relating to her husband's job. Nothing will make a ministry spouse feel like she is simply an appendage attached to her husband than always talking with her about her husband's job. She's got hobbies, struggles, and a life outside of her husband's job. When she's at church worshiping, let her worship, and don't relay a ministry-related message to her husband through her. I've gone so far as to tell Jennifer to politely ask people to send me an email or call me at church if someone stops her to tell her something they want relayed to me. Of course, she's happy to pass along a quick or urgent message, but I want to make sure she doesn't feel like my secretary when she's at church.
QUESTION: What are some ways we can alienate and burn out church spouses?
